Thursday, 19 March 2015

My 20th year on this planet in a blogpost.

I wanted to write another post on here, I know, I only published my last post just over a week ago! I seem to write all the time now, albeit being essays for university. I just finished my 1st draft of my research proposal which is basically me telling lecturers what I'm going to spend my entire 4th year at university, apart from the obvious stressing out, getting no sleep and crying my eyes out as the end of my life as a student is nigh and I have to focus on serious shit. Yeah, I look forward to it as much as the next person. But I discovered more lately how writing can be a great tool, if you're upset or having a bad day, open a new Word document and write all your worries on there. Then you can decide whether you want to save it, or just delete it. I find it better because I'm not worrying or involving anyone else and I can decide what the initial outcome is. Well, that is until Word decides it doesn't want to save what you wrote and ends up losing it anyways, like what it did with me. Thanks for that. Anyways, I've recently become a very reflective and soppy person, one example is when I nearly made my mum cry on Mother's Day by calling her my best friend.

I'm turning 21 on the 24th of March, basically 5 days from now and that terrifies me more than people realise. Because I don't want to say goodbye to being 20. To think I didn't want to turn 20 in the first place, now it's funny because it's been the year where I've experienced the most highs and lows I've ever had in my life. I've gained several new friendships, ones I hope will last a lifetime, I've also lost those who I wish I stayed in touch with. I've had my heart broken numerous times throughout my 20th year yet I discovered I still have one special person in my life who always puts a smile on my face no matter how many times I cry. I've found employment and dealt with a part time job alongside university. I've gained so much more confidence and compliments from people some days, other days insults and anxiety knock all the happiness out of me, almost like as if someone punched me hard in the stomach. I've improved so much in terms of my saxophone playing this year with the saxophone king (my tutor) and yet it drives me to push myself even further, far beyond the standard I thought I could reach. I've surprised myself a lot this year; good surprises, bad surprises, surprises I never saw myself achieve in a million years.

Yet I realised, despite everything that has happened in the space of 365 days, have I really changed? I'm still the crazy, weird, music obsessed, saxophone playing, ginger haired Queenie. After spending most of my life not fitting in at home, it's strange to finally be at a place where more and more people accept you for being the person you're meant to be and want to be. Of course, I still have the wonderful support from those who have known me before I moved to Aberdeen and 'changed', my INCREDIBLE family who show no bounds when it comes to encouraging me to achieve my dreams, I hope I can do you proud. To the select few, those special people who have stuck with me, because let's be honest, family have to, they don't get a say! Hehehe. No, seriously, you guys decided to sacrifice most of your time to spend it with me and that's an achievement in itself. And the most wonderful blessing. I may never say it enough but I will always love you and I hope you'll be in my life forever.

So to sum up, right now at this moment in time, I'm scared to turn 21 and I don't want to be 21. But if being 20 was such a defining year for me, imagine what 21 is going to be like! I still have so much I need to experience, need to achieve, more tears to cry, more laughs to enjoy, more of my personal failures to struggle through but that's part of life. It's literally the biggest and fastest roller-coaster that never seems to stop and I'm holding on for dear life. But I'm surrounded by my nearest and dearest and there will always be music around me wherever I go. That's all I need, my family, loved ones and music to love forever more. That's what makes me happy.

P.S. - America, one day soon, hopefully I'll be able to drink in you! hahaha. :)

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